“Cultivating an inner life is a radical act
today. And it is not as simple as it once was. There was a time when there were
not so many workshops, seminars, CD’s and books that directed inner growth.
Even more than today, we were left to our own devices. It seems like we’ve made
progress, it seems like we live in a world were inner life is readily
supported. But, all too often, the easy availability of these options only
perpetuates the illusion that the real difficulties of life are optional.
Learning is obscured.
Life
is the real teacher. Experience is the real purveyor of knowledge. True
self-building, real spiritual and psychological development, comes from living
in the cauldron. Life graces us with the limitations that can convince us,
because they are so challenging, that we are truly living and part of a larger
drama. The roles we play in that drama are seldom defined by us, but the way we
play them is. Self-building is complicated by virtue of the fact that we don’t
get to solely decide what roles we want to play. Life never abandons us, that
is the good news, but Life looks after its own, and in the process asks things
of us. That is the more complicated news.” (from True Things an unpublished work of David “Lucky” Goff)
It is ironic to me that I’ve
gotten reintroduced to what I already know. This, apparently, is part of the
“complications.” I, as the author of Embracing
Life, have had to be reintroduced to how much influence Life has, and to
how much self-deception I harbor. I have put this perception, which came to me
as Life worked me over, someplace where I couldn’t forget it, but nor could I
remember it. I think it was just too hot to handle or, it was too far over my
head.
I have felt relieved to know
that the winds of evolution, personal and transpersonal, are at my back. But I
haven’t been so pleased by what is being asked of me. I haven’t wanted to be
the one who faces the misdirected attempts I, and others, have made,
ostensibly, on behalf of growth and maturity. It would be enough, to just feel
elated by the recognition that Life is providing me with — all the raw
materials and experiences I need to grow an authentic and original self. I
think I am so slow taking in this reality, because there is some part of the
music I don’t want to face.
I guess I’ve grown attached
to the idea that I’m the Captain of my own soul. I like thinking that if I just
do the right practices, enough, I can reach some kind of enlightenment. I don’t
think I’m alone in desiring this. It seems to be very human. Although, I am
stunted and hurt by this belief, I want to believe that my very human effort is
enough. Maybe, I’m still catholic enough to want to believe some other human is
going to save me. I’ve looked to others for spiritual guidance, teaching, good
therapy, and a sense that if I could just get it right, I could feel good about
my self and this life. While these efforts have brought some short-term relief,
they have also contributed to the depressing belief that I am somehow flawed,
because relief doesn’t last. You’d think I would be glad to be free of that
belief. I am, and I am not.
I am not, because facing the
truth that Life is the Teacher, makes it possible for me to see that all the
years I devoted to being a teacher, therapist and helping professional served
more to maintain an appeasing kind of misdirected effort towards consciousness.
I see now, that I mainly camaflouged anxiety, by providing a presumed path that
reassured others. I provided a well meaning, but never-the-less misdirected
guidance. I now can see that that same tendency prevails everywhere, and is
widely in demand.
Life teaches us, not so much
through helping professionals, but more through unexpected experiences.
Teachers can concoct great exercises, spiritual guides can offer good
practices, but none are able to customize a growth regime like Life.
Life is the Teacher, shaman
and coach, that delivers in an idiosyncratic and thoroughly original way. I may
want it to be my power, or in someone else’s hands, but Life does Life’s thing
so thoroughly and well, that it really doesn’t matter what I want. Life has my
back, even when I don’t, and think I do. Accepting this reality is harder than
it looks. To honor this new truth, I have to accept that misdirection is part
of how I am taught. Life is the most interesting and unruly teacher I’ve ever
been exposed to. I am alive at Life’s discretion, and I am being provided with
just the experiences that make me who I am.
Life teaches me, and I am
slowly catching on. The view of my life, Life’s life, is changing. We are collaborating to create
something original that can serve. I am along for the ride, and although I’m
ambivalent, I’m glad I can now see more fully the fruiting that is happening
within me.
